Human Amusement
by Yami Kaosu
Summary: With four days left until the beginning of the Cell Games, Cell is plagued by severe boredom. Remembering that humans have some form of entertainment, he decides to try them out for himself. Shounen ai at the end. Might be a tad overrated.


Disclaimer: I don't own Dragonball Z. Toriyama-sama is the original creator, and I believe that Toei and FUNimation have rights to it as well.

A/N: I'm bored. So sue me. I'm sitting in the computer lab at school waiting for it to be time to go. And I don't have access to any of my in progress fics, which means I can't work on For Him like I should be. =;.;=

Anyway, I don't think I have time for lots of angst, which is what I would prefer, but I think I'll go ahead with humor anyway. Maybe I can get a good nonsensical story out like I haven't in forever and a day. =^.^=

By the way, I'll give you previous warning...this story ends with an odd pairing. A shounen ai pairing, to be precise. If that's not your cup of tea, then I suggest you hit the back button and forget about it. On the other hand, if this doesn't bother you, then by all means proceed! As long as perverted Cell fics don't bother you. XD ~Yami

---

Cell sighed. There were still four days before the Cell Games were to begin, and truth be told, he was becoming bored. Or rather, the boredom was screaming at him from the back of his mind. The first few days, he had managed to block out the boredom with the anticipation of the coming fight. The following few days, he began to realize that he shouldn't have given the Z Senshi so much time. Because while they were off training and trying to become stronger, **he** was bored. And a bored bio-android was not a fun thing to deal with.

"Maybe I can go out and have a little fun of my own..." he said to no one, smirking. There had to be something to keep him amused on this pathetic planet, right? He wondered what would provide him the most amusement. Scaring the humans was quite the overused pastime, he had to admit. Besides, it had lost its fun. It was always the same...the humans would run away screaming, until one of the Z Senshi appeared in some heroic effort to save the day.

Cell rolled his eyes. He never did understand that.

He wondered absentmindedly if anything that kept the humans occupied could possibly be any fun for a perfect lifeform. He had to admit, it was an idea. And quite possibly, it was the only idea that would keep him from going insane from boredom.

"All right then. So what exactly do these pathetic creatures do for amusement?"

*~*~*~*~*~*

Cell was on his way to the nearest city. And as soon as screams and screeches met his ears, he inwardly kicked himself for forgetting that the sight of him would set the planet's dominant species into a severe panic. He sighed, growling at them from far above.

_Pathetic weaklings...exactly WHAT is screaming going to do to help them?_

He went ahead and landed, having been given a wide berth by all people in the area. Shaking his head, he looked around, reading the signs to himself.

"Bank...grocery store...theatre...hmm, I believe theatres are a place of human enjoyment..."

Shrugging, he headed for the building. The people selling tickets had since vanished, hearing the Cell was in the vicinity. Cell simply walked in, and found himself faced in a rather well furnished building. He could smell food nearby, and followed the scent to find the concession stand. The humans stared at him wide-eyed, and he simply smirked at them.

That sent them running in panic.

"Feh," Cell snorted in contempt. What was it about these things? Sure, he was planning on destroying the earth, but the _least_ they could do was give him some food! If they had any sense, they would be grateful that their pathetic world was going to be destroyed by someone like him! He was PERFECT!

He went over to the counter and observed the human foods that resided there. In the front, he could see many bars of some kind of food...he wasn't particularly sure what they were. His eyes settled on one that read "Snickers" and he picked it up. Observing it for a moment, he took a bite out of it.

"BLECH!" he yelled, spitting the partially chewed up bar out. "How can humans eat such disgusting things?"

Frowning, he turned his attention to something else. He had seen a human leave it on the countertop when he ran for his life. Peering down into it, he was greeted with the sight of small, white objects. Looking at them suspiciously, he grabbed a few and shoved them into his mouth. They were salty and buttery, with not much else.

"Great..." he muttered, "now I'll probably have high cholesterol..."

He decided that he had had enough of human food. Continuing his journey through the theatre, he came upon a closed door. He opened it and slipped inside, only to find himself in a much bigger room, with seats and a few humans. Since the room was dark, they couldn't see him, so he decided to save himself some agony and just sit.

He turned his attention to the huge screen in the front of the room. And his eyes widened. They widened to the size of plates.

Because he was hardly expecting what he saw.

He saw two humans. Or what he assumed was two humans. Because the only parts that the screen showed were a face and a foot. The human was doing something...unnatural to that foot. The moaning in the background of the event certainly didn't make him any more comfortable. It was as if they were actually enjoying it.

Cell left the theatre very, very quickly. Through the wall, no less.

He definitely did not leave the theatre amused.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Cell was shaking. The almighty, perfect bio-android was shaking. Not to mention quite uncomfortable. He couldn't believe what he had just seen.

"Hu...humans actually do THAT for enjoyment?!" he yelled, mostly because he was still quite scared.

But something distracted him from that. Namely, the fact that his tail was sticking straight up through his wings.

Cell blinked, and craned his neck to look at his tail. He wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he was feeling overcome with a rather...unusual feeling.

He groaned. This day had not been turning out as well as he had hoped.

What was it that he had heard humans did when they wanted to forget? Alcohol...he took to the sky. If he remembered correctly, humans went to bars and drank away their problems. Maybe that's just what he needed.

Besides, he was perfect, so at least he wouldn't have to worry about doing anything stupid while drunk.

*~*~*~*~*~*

He found a bar quickly enough. It wasn't difficult, considering the stream of drunken humans who were coming out. Fortunately, when he landed, everyone was in too much of a drunken stupor to notice that this was indeed the same one that planned on ending their world.

The bartender, however, was not in the same state. He stared at Cell, wide-eyed.

"Can...can I...help you?" he managed to squeak out.

Cell sat down at the counter, and glared at the bartender, inwardly smirking at his fear. "Just give me something strong," he said, and the bartender seemed to get over his fear, at least enough to obey. He slid a glass down to Cell, and the bio-android stared at it for a moment. Then he downed the drink, and looked at the bartender. "Another," he said.

And so this went on.

About an hour later, Cell could barely even say "another" coherently. It came out more along the lines of "arnasha." The bartender was afraid to argue, so he kept them coming.

Cell couldn't see straight. His vision was blurry. He couldn't think straight.

If he could have seen himself, he would have fainted.

Perfect Cell was drunk off his ass.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Something registered somewhere in his mind. He wasn't quite sure what it was, and ignored it. But it would not be ignored, and finally, Cell realized that someone was tapping him on the shoulder, and saying his name. He looked to both sides, not seeing anyone. Feeling the tapping again, he finally turned around.

His drunken gaze was met with a wide pair of black eyes.

"Cell?!"

The bio-android blinked, and tilted his head, looking up at the surprised face. He knew who this was. But for some reason, his brain was having trouble connecting the face to the name.

"Pi...Pickaro?"

*~*~*~*~*~*

Goku wanted to smack Cell. This self-proclaimed "perfect" being had just called him Piccolo...or at least a drunken variant, but still! Goku wasn't usually one to resort to violence, and he himself may not of been the smartest living thing on the planet, but he certainly did not confuse himself with _Piccolo_.

But then again, what more could you expect from a drunken bio-android?

Goku observed Cell for a moment, watching his enemy's eyes go in and out of focus. Finally, the mercy and pity that he seemed to have for all living creatures kicked in.

"Cell...what the hell are you doing here?!"

Perhaps it wasn't quite the same pity he took on other living things, but it showed some degree of concern, at least.

Cell's drunken gaze once again tried to focus on Goku's face. "Pickaro..."

Goku frowned. "Okay, first of all, Cell, I'm Goku. Remember? Your enemy?"

This time it was Cell's turn to frown. He was fairly certain that he was seeing Piccolo. Or at least he thought he was. He groaned. This was getting much too confusing.

Goku let out a sigh. A drunken Cell was one thing he never would have thought he would have to mess with, but apparently, he had been proven severely wrong. And worst of all, he was feeling some strange degree of compassion for the bio-android's current state. Not that feeling compassion for his enemies was anything out of the ordinary, but...this was certainly a much different situation than he had ever had to face.

But he didn't have time to dwell on the matter, as he suddenly found Cell's arms wrapped around him. _Oh, shit..._ he thought, _Now I have my worst enemy yet hanging off of me while drunk._ Although, he had to admit, he didn't find it too uncomfortable. And, surprisingly enough, he wasn't as worried as the situation should have made him.

"Lemme buya trank."

Goku raised an eyebrow at the severely slurred speech, but didn't reply. Cell looked at the bartender, who immediately got the idea. He slid Cell the drink, and Cell patted it and slid it over to Goku.

"Gohead, trank uf."

Goku eyed the drink, and shrugged. For some reason, he had never been one to get drunk, so what harm could one drink do? He downed it quickly, hoping that Cell would let him leave.

As he prepared to stand up a few minutes later, something didn't feel right. He fell over to his side, and tried to get back on balance. Had his mind been working as it usually did at that point, he might have realized that something was horribly wrong. Goku fell against Cell, blinking at his sudden loss of balance.

He was a bit shocked, however, to find himself suddenly slung over Cell's shoulder, and being carried to the back of the bar. But in his dazed state of mind, he didn't think much of it, and let himself be carried. It almost feels like I'm flying, he thought to himself, a silly grin plastered on his face.

Cell's tail was once again sticking straight up through his wings. Instinct seemed to have taken over. He smirked slightly as a slight bulge made itself known against him. With Goku still slung over his shoulder, he slammed the door closed to one of the bar's many back rooms.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning, Cell couldn't help but smirk. "So that's what human's do for fun..."

Ah, humans and their drunken, horny drugs. Maybe the species had more than he had given them credit for.

---  
Poor Seru-kun...not knowing what anything is in the real world. XD And imagine...if the Z Senshi would show him some foot fetish porn, they could have him curling up in a fetal position on the ground. XD

And I owe lots of credit in this to my Jess. Because we were chatting while I wrote it, and she helped me along with ideas. And the whole thing with Cell's tail sticking up...that was something that she and Kim had talked about, and she told me about it.

Anyway...see the little button down there in the left bottom corner? The one that lets you submit a review? I would be most pleased if you clicked it, and then wrote a review. =^_^= Yesh, reviews make me happy. ~Yami


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